Tuesday, October 10, 2017

I'm Depressed - Emotional Musings on World Mental Health Day

Life is very circular. Sometimes you are flying high on a huge upswing. You feel happy, alive, refreshed and rejuvenated. Then suddenly you start your slow descent down and soon you just don't feel like anything can go your way. You are sad, angry and depressed. But slowly, one day, you start working your way up again and soon the days seem brighter, you're not so angry anymore and you’re  working your way to being a beacon of positive and joy.

I've struggled with depression on and off my whole adult life. It started in High School for me. In grade 11, I kind went off the rails a little bit. I wasn't sleeping, I was failing math, I was struggling with the rules my parents had, and I failed a whole semester of school. There was legitimate fear that I would not graduate on time if I did not pull my socks up and focus. My doctor was very astute and understanding. She put me on my first antidepressant - Zoloft. I took Zoloft until just before I graduated high school with great grades and a few academic awards as well.

The second time depression took over was when I first moved out on my own. I moved into my first small, one bedroom apartment when I was 24.I loved it but I was warned by a good friend of mine that when you live alone for the first time, that you 'kinda go a little crazy.' I laughed it off - she always had a flair for the dramatic. About a year after I moved out, I found myself laid off work, single, sad, and scared shitless as I was, for some stupid reason, denied unemployment insurance. I again went to my doctor and after crying in the examining room for thirty minutes straight, she hugged me and gave me another prescription for Zoloft. I soon pleaded my case and got my unemployment benefits reinstated, got a new and much better job and felt good about myself. About a year and a half after I started talking Zoloft, my doctor suggested I start to ween myself off again.

The third time depression hit me was just after the birth of my son. It was a different kind of depression - one that made me cry often, made me feel worthless and like I was a horrible person. One that, dare I say it, made me hate my newborn son. My doctor, understanding that depression not just ran in the family but has touched me on and off for years, kept a keen eye on me during this time. I had monthly appointments to check in with her. I talked to a therapist and by the time my son smiled at me for the first time, I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I beat the depression this time without drugs and I felt great.

The last time I suffered with a bout of depression was four years ago. My partner and I, who had been together for seven years, had split up. He had been mentally and physically abusive towards me for years and after a horrible incident that left me physical bruised and scarred, I decided enough was enough. I kicked him out. And I felt so much better about it. I was happy to be rid of him. But it soon hit me that I wasn't rid of him and that I never would be. We shared a child together. He used that fact to constantly try to control me and the situation. Many a time he tried to break down my door, threatened me, and even assaulted me. After he left, I slept all the time. I was so tired. My therapist at that time told me it was a completely logical response. My body had been in *fight or flight* mode for years that now, that the 'danger' was no longer present, all that adrenalin in my body was finally leaving, making me exhausted. I was more lonely that I had ever been in my entire life. Not only did I lose my partner, but I had to endure periods without my son as we shared custody. My apartment went from being a loud, always busy place, to being so fucking quiet that I almost couldn't take it. I missed my son. As sick as it sounded, I missed having a partner around. The loneliness was so thick in the air that I could taste it sometimes. The only thing that really kept me from offing myself during that period was my son...and my doctor. My doctor saw the mess I was in and ordered I take four weeks stress leave off of work ('to start' she said). She found me a really good therapist in her office that was known for dealing with survivors of domestic abuse. She prescribed a new antidepressant and insisted on biweekly check-in appointments while I was off work.

Depression almost won that last time. I think back on what I was like three years ago and it scares me silly. I wasn't thinking logically, I was in a horrible haze and I felt like things would never get better.

But you know what? They did. They did because I have a family that is familiar with and understands mental issues. Things got better because I have an amazing doctor who I feel comfortable falling to pieces in front of in her office. Depression didn't win because I have friends and family who love me, who put their lives on hold for a little bit to carry me when I felt I just couldn't go on.

I woke up this morning, and while getting dressed for the day, I thought about how I have been feeling the last few days. I've been sad, quick to anger and frustrated. I've caught myself crying just about every day this past week. I've been feeling lonely and frustrated at that fact. But today, I woke up to a text message from my best friend wishing me a great day. I got a huge hug from my son this morning. I exchanged messages with a couple of people who always put a smile on my face because they make time for me in their busy lives and I appreciated it.

I woke up being thankful for what I got and I suddenly started to feel the upswing start.

Today is World Mental Health Day and I hope that this post helps people realize that there should be NO stigma with Mental Illness - it touches the people you would least expect. I've lost friends to depression and other types of mental illness - the most recent was a friend who committed suicide this past summer. If anything, those situations has taught me how important it is to talk. You feeling depressed or down? If you feel you have no one to talk to?

Talk to me.

I'm here and I'm listening.

Much love...
Penny Lane

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